Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
