Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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