Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
