I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
