god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i permit you to call me
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
