did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
