WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
