Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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