were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I supernannyed him into submission
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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