Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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