the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
two words...techno handjob
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
