I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
