I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
