I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
