No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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