My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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