My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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