I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
