I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
