If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
