Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
