Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
