My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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