You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
