And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
