cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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