cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
