That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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