Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.