now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?