Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
