We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
