they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
