you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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