My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
