I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
