I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
