there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You pole danced in your parka.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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