She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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