i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
