mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Im just a social blackout drinker.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
