I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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