the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
