So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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