low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
