Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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