I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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