you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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