paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
