i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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