When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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