Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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