remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
