What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Less talking, more tequila
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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