I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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