Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
